The gory details?

Right now my doctor says there are a number of factors in my depression. I am having thyroid problems. I have a goiter and there are nodules on it that can produce large quantities of extra thyroid hormone. This can dump more of the hormone in my body causing me to have symptoms of hyperthyroidism. When this happens, my thyroid adjusts the levels of hormone it produces and then when the nodules stop producing as much of the hormone, I don't have enough in my system and I have all the symptoms of hypothyroidism. It's like a roller coaster.
On top of that, I am going through menopause. Full blown menopause. I won't go into the gory details but my body is in distress all the time...from either the thyroid issues or the menopause.

Then there is my mental state of mind. I recently went through a lot of emotional turmoil. My daughter and her pregnancy was very stressful. She's received help now and the baby is ok, but it was very emotional for me and very difficult to deal with. Then there was the betrayal of two of my best friends. Two people I thought would be friends with for the rest of my life, just dumped me like I was garbage. Did I do anything to contribute to the break up? I was honest. That's what I did. They had the freedom to be honest with me about what ever they thought appropriate and some times I didn't like what I heard, but I dealt with it because I cherished the honesty. Of course the one time I reciprocated that instead of keeping my mouth shut, they discarded me like trash.
That was very hard for me to understand.
I still don't understand it.
So it's been hard for me to open up to anyone. I have found myself withdrawing from people and not wanting to invest myself in anyone. I think that with everything going on with me, I just need to take care of me and invest myself in getting better.

We are having money problems too and that is stressful.It's a constant source of stress for me.

So that's what's going on. I don't know what else to say. I know I have exaggerated my drinking in my blogs but in actuality I don't drink very often and I don't drink very much. I might have a glass of wine or a beer or two and that's it. I pretty much stopped drinking the vodka when I started taking my Zoloft. As for the wine and beer, I discussed it with my doctor and the occasional glass of wine or a couple of beers with a bratwurst and sauerkraut was ok with him. It's normally once or twice a week, if that.

I was never a heavy drinker but I found myself drinking to get intoxicated more often after my friends dumped me and my body revolted against me. I decided it wasn't healthy, emotionally or physically so I stopped and went to the doctor. That's when he prescribed Zoloft for me and I stopped drinking so often. I saw the warning signs and took action. My mother was involved with many alcoholics when I was growing up and believe me, they were not people I'd use as role models. You have to understand, any type of behavior I witnessed growing up is something I strive toward NOT doing. I would never put my children through that.

I just need time to deal with this and with the help of my doctors I know I will be able to get through it. So if I don't write and I don't want to talk and I just want to be left alone, it has nothing to do with anything except that I'm channeling all my energy into getting better.

Honestly I didn't even want to write this, but I felt that I had to explain better. You all deserved a better explanation.

So if this journey takes me into surgery to have my thyroid removed and to a psychiatrist, then so be it. I'll get through it but I just don't have the energy to give anything to anyone right now. I need every bit of what I can muster to get through this.

I'll be back when I am better.

Yep

This will be short.
I am not dead.
I am very much alive.
I'm just fighting clinical depression and menopause.
My meds need changed and someone needs to yank my uterus and all the stuff attached to it OUT!

Yesterday I spent the day sitting on the couch in my underwear, watching TV in front of a fan, eating popsicles.
Hot flashes are a bitch...and when I'm not feeling like crying, so am I.

I don't feel much like talking and for any of you who've been through this, I'm sure you'll understand.

New meds will hopefully make me as good as new and instead of small spurts of socializing, I'll have the ability to write more than a paragraph.

The pervy dolls are pretty pissed off at me I'm sure, but they'll have to be patient...just like everyone else.

Just thought I'd be honest about what's going on with me and why I'm not writing.

Keep your fingers crossed.
If meds don't work, then maybe you can recommend a cheap lobotomist?

I love you all...

So I'm not dead...the pervy dolls watch me.

Real life has been getting in the way of my blogging.
I have been sick...the kids have been sick...Freya's situation has been stressing me out...the computer is being a fickle bitch....you name it...it's happened over the past couple of weeks.

I got the pervy dolls in the mail and I'd take a picture of them except I have no USB connection and I'm getting it fixed this week...(FINALLY!)
I'm very please with the pervy dolls except the chick is flat chested. No tits. And no holes!!!
The dude has a big ole pecker and he's going to be lots of fun but I had envisioned holes and tits.
All that aside, I love the dolls and they're very nice. The person who made them did a great job.
I'm going to play with them for awhile and then have my own contest to pass them on. It's part of what makes it fun...you keep passing them on from blogger to blogger.

They sit on my night stand and watch me sleep, so make sure I don't kick the bucket or anything. They love me. I can tell.

I am a grandmother now.
Freya had her baby and he is fine. So far, other than some breathing problems and being a little early, he is doing well and so is she.
There's still some unresolved issues but hey, I'll take the good news and keep my fingers crossed.

Yep...so I'm a grammie. It pleases me greatly to inform everyone that I don't have any white or gray hair ANYWHERE...if you get my drift. I had Mr.Man check, closely, over the weekend.
That's probably the reason for my happier mood....I needed to get laid.

I have infections in my head and they are making me dizzy, grouchy and non-social.
Honestly I didn't have any desire to write in here but I got an email from someone who reads my blog but never comments, asking me where the hell I was and why was I tormenting them by not writing anything recently?

REALLY?
It's considered torment if I DON'T write???
And here I thought the stuff I wrote about was the torment for the readers...silly me.

I'm done.
My head is throbbing like crazy.
I will return...when I can get my head around all this shit and think again.

I know how to talk the holy-moley way. My dog taught me.

I bought a webcam thinking I could hook it up and do wecamery things with it. I tried hooking it up and felt like an idiot because I couldn't. Then I discovered that my two front USB outlets are NOT working. Hell, I can't even download anything from my camera or change the music on my Ipod. In one sense I'm happy I'm not an idiot (even though I did get pissed and sent the webcam back, bitching that it didn't work and it didn't come with the set up disc,which I found later on sitting on top of my printer.) On the other hand, I need to find someone who can fix my computer.

I KNOW I SENT THE DAMN WEBCAM BACK!!! I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE WHEN MY COMPUTER IS FIXED! (don't be picking on my blondness...ok?)

Yeah, I could have used the one USB thingy in the back that my printer is hooked up to but that would be a pain in the ass to have to keep pulling everything out and then fixing the printer when I'm done doing whatever, cause we use our printer a lot. The kids need it for school and I use it to print out that dirty little poems I leave laying on the shelves at the grocery store.

You read that right....dirty little poems...

Example:

I'd like a bag of sugar
I'd like a bag of rice
But a bag slapping my chin
with your dick in my mouth would be nice.

Yeah...I made that up. All by myself too. I'm pretty smart like that...ok? Don't hate me because I'm talented...

You know how people leave scripture from the bible written on pieces of paper on the shelves of the grocery store?
Yeah, well...one day I had a vision of Jesus that forever changed my life. In that one moment I knew he was sick and tired of everyone always being so serious all the time and never acknowledging that he had a sense of humor.

And how, pray tell dear Goddess, did you know that?

My dog told me....


"Go forth Blonde Goddess and spread crude humor to those in need."

Ok...so actually it sounded more like...Pweeffft..bweeept..bweeeppt...fweeee...but I KNOW what he meant. And I am obedient if I am nothing else.

My conversation with Jesus reminds me, I got a new pair of panties.



Pretty bitching hot aren't they?

Yeah...I don't shop much.
I'm broke because my kids are dumb. Our electric bill is horrendous! They leave the lights on, the tv on,their stupid games on and they turn on the microwave just to practice their counting! Ok, so that's me, but I need the practice.

I need to know how to count...I need a job.

I applied a few places but it didn't work out for me.

I got a job at Burger King as a cashier but they fired me because I kept telling the customers, "Thank you...thank you very much" in my best Elvis impersonation and grinding my hips at them. They found that "inappropriate".

INAPPROPRIATE!!! I'm working for the FUCKING KING and it's infuckingappropriate?!?!?! I'll show them inappropriate!!!



They need to change their name to Burger Pussy....home of the Whopper!

Bastards!

It didn't take long for me to find a new job though.
I was hired as an exotic dancer.

Yeah...I actually swallowed my pride, or half a dozen sedatives, whichever way you want to look at it, and tried my hand at dancing.
The people were very nice and very helpful but I ended up getting fired anyway.
Yeah...
I couldn't believe it either.
I guess they had a problem with my toe touches.
They said I was supposed to bend over and touch my toes with my fingertips...NOT my nipples.

Whatever...I turned around in a circle and titty slapped half the customers and the other dancers and knocked them out cold! Then I grabbed the money from my g-string and ran out!
So it wasn't a total bust.
I made three dollars and twenty five cents (if you count the quarter I found tangled in my pubes).

You try breast-feeding four kids and see how perky your damn titties are!

Cockthuckers!!!

That reminds me...I wonder if they've looked over my application at WalMart yet?

I'd better stop for today and check that out.
Christmas will be here before you know it and unless I get a job, them damn ungrateful kids won't be getting shit for Christmas...well...actually that probably IS what they'll get. You can make really nice jewelry and key chains out of shellacked shit. They sell the moose kind and make butt loads of money selling that crap.

I'd better get my dog and see what Jesus thinks about that. If he likes the idea, maybe he'll help me out....If it comes out of Jesus' mouth I can start a "Holy Shit" line.


"Your Jesus ain't nothing but a hound dog Blonde Goddess."

"I resent that Elvis. I think the Holy Shit idea is a winner and you're just upset because she's not going back to the King to sell Whoppers!"

Hmmm...I wonder if the Jesus Police would buy Holy Shit?

It's something to think about....

A little ditty about my special day yesterday....

This heres the story of a gal named Tam
Who did exactly what she wanted cause she didn't give a damn
She'd always find a way of getting through the day
although lots of weird stuff would always come her way...

Weird stuff...stuff that just don't happen to other people...


"The last time I went shopping at WalMart."

She got up in the morning and went to brush her teeth
Pulled out the toothpaste and squeezed it from it's sheath
Brushed em real good, rinsing with water and peroxide
Except what she tasted made her stomach heave inside...

Keel over and puke that is...toss her cookies in the shitter


"Damn! Look at the size of my ass! I could stand to do a little puking."

Some dumbass in the house that can stand up and pee
Musta got lazy while watching TV
Took the nearest bottle and made sure he didn't miss
then filled it up with his nasty old piss

Urine...as in "you're in" a world of shit stupid


"Let's see you piss in a bottle now fucktard!"

Poor little Tam finished getting sick
Poured out the bottle pretty damn quick
Smelled and saw that it was pee pee and got sick once more
Vowing to kick someone's ass and remind them of what the toilet's for

The shitter...also known as the pisser you lazy son-of-a-bitch


"Now who's gonna get their lazy ass up and go to the bathroom, huh? HUH?!!"

Course when the men got home later in the day
Neither one of THEM had made the peroxide that way
They both got a good laugh and tears streamed from their eyes
But Tam didn't really care because she'd planned a nice surprise

Something they weren't expecting that is...heh heh heh


"I made you a special steak dinner..darling. And I bought some more floss because I know how you always need to floss and brush your teeth after you eat steak."

"You're such a good wife honey!"

Toothbrushes are great for brushing people's teeth
They're made to get in front and behind and underneath
So they can also be used to scrub other things too
Like a toilet and all it's brown and yellow goo



Happy brushing boys!...

Oh yeah...I will NEVER take a swig out of the peroxide bottle again!



Damn brown bottles...

And then there was the mighty Otin...

I'd like to tell you a little story about the mighty Otin. He was a great god in Scandinavian legend...not as great in the legends as Odin, his twin brother, but who cares about that? I'm going to tell you the lesser known story today...in honor of Otin's birthday.

Otin was born 3 minutes before Odin. The birth was a difficult one, even for a goddess, and vodka was used in liberal amounts to help with the pain. Unfortunately enough for the poor Otin, the midwife also partook of the vodka, accidentally putting Otin out with the laundry instead of in the bassinet with his twin Odin.

Otin was discovered by an old crazy woman who lived near the lake of Ingersold. Her name was Dagmar.
She fished and made pickled herring for a living. At one time she'd been a beautiful woman, but she was so beautiful that men feared she was a witch and has shunned her, leaving her alone and childless.
She had grown old alone, with only the forest and lake creatures to keep her company.
Finding Otin was the most wonderful thing that had happened to her. She thanked the Gods every day for her blessing.

Otin grew up learning to fish, side by side with his mother. Her gentle ways and quiet wisdom passed on from her to him, and he too was loved by all the forest and lake creatures.

Of course Otin still did possess traits of his biological parents...Borr and Bestla.

Borr was a strange man with a dry sense of humor. He had a thing for blonde chicks and that was the reason for his attraction to Bestla.

Bestla was the daughter of giants and she was one hell of an Amazon woman. Beautiful, blonde and big busted, she boasted of beauty and boldness unknown among other women.

Therefore Otin, although raised by Dagmar, possessed the same dry sense of humor his father had. He also loved blonde women and they loved him as well. For he had received the gift of giantism from his mother's side of the family, but only in the genital region, if you get my meaning...*wink*

One day Otin stumbled upon Asgard, home of his parents and brothers.
Odin and Otin met face to face, looking upon eachother questioningly...

"You look just like me," said Odin.

"You look just like me," said Otin.

"Who are you?" cried Bestla. "What manner of sorcery is this?"

Borr called for the midwife who'd delivered the twins and asked her to explain.
She told them that Otin had been raised by the witch Dagmar and it was trick of witchcraft to try to fool them into thinking that Otin had some claim to the status of God and a rightful place in Asgard.

They banished Otin from Asgard and told him to never return.
Little did they know that Odin's wife Jörð, had seen Otin and had become curious about him.
She followed him through the forest and watched him fish at the lake.
When he was done, he took his clothes off to bathe and she saw his mighty penis.
"Oh my!" Jörð whispered.
She was awestruck. Odin didn't have a cock like that!

Otin heard her cry and turned to see her watching him from afar.

"Don't be afraid," he said. "Come here and I will show you it's power."

Jörð came to Otin and they made love for hours...

Jörð had never been so satisfied sexually before and begged Otin to allow her to stay with him.

"I'm sorry but you can't" said Otin. "You must return to Asgard and stay with Odin and forget about me."

"I will do ath you athk( Jörð had a little lisp problem)but pleath don't forget me."

Then she left him and returned to Odin.

For nine months she ached for Otin...remembering their lovemaking. When their son was born, Odin believed it was his and proudly announced to everyone he had a son.

When the midwife asked Jörð what the child's name was, she misheard her and thought she'd asked her how she felt.

"It'th thore", she said.

And THAT is how the mighty Thor, son of Otin, came to be.

( How else would you explain the size of his hammer? It sure as hell didn't come from Odin...)


"Make me thore Otin..."


Hope you had a great birthday Otin!

I was indeed, too freaking smart to be a freak...

DISCLAIMER: I am writing this while intoxicated. Read at own risk!

I'd like to tell you about my stint in the circus, many many moons ago.
It all began when I was a wee little flicka living in the Swedish colony.I had just learned how to tie my shoes and eat with utensils.

I was 19 years old.

I was walking down the road one day, on my way to Olaf Johnson's store to buy pickled herring and cheese for dinner when I noticed a rickety old caravan coming slowly up the road, you know, the kind like the gypsy's used to use.



As the caravan got closer to me, the horses that pulled it slowed down and someone pushed a keg of beer, already tapped,out the back door.
As the van moved slowly ahead of me, the keg began to leave a thin trail of beer on the road.
As any tightwad Swede will tell you, wasting is a sin, so I dropped onto my hands and knees and began to lap up the line of beer off the road...
Except for a few rocks and a couple of bugs, it was excellent and made the long trip to Olaf's store much more pleasant.
Being a naive little girl of 19 years, I didn't realize it was a trap and before I knew what had happened, a thick blanket was thrown over me and I was wrapped in it and thrown into the back of the caravan!
I lost consciousness,(ok..maybe I'd had too much beer and I passed out) but when I awoke, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a circus.

I was dressed in a fur outfit with my long blonde hair flowing loose, with a viking helmet on top of my head.



I was locked in a cage, with nothing but hay and some old bones on the floor.
As I looked around, I noticed there were several men standing outside the cage, staring at me...
"What the fuck are you looking at!" I yelled at them.

They all stepped back from the cage and started mumbling something among themselves...the only thing I could really hear was something like "Le géant blond se réveille" and "Elle est une bête féroce"...or some stupid crap like that.

Where the hell was I?
And why were all these short Frenchmen afraid of me?

I looked around and noticed there were other cages standing in a circle around me. In one, there was a two headed goat. In another, there was a midget with three legs...no wait...Uh...the leg in the middle wasn't a leg...it was his "pénis capricieusement grand"? NOW that WAS scary!

There was a monkey boy...



And a horse girl too...



I realized that I had been kidnapped and was part of the freak show.

Great...

I watched the people come up to the cage and look at me with fear. A few of the dirty bastards looked lustily at me, rubbing their crotches, but I snarled at them and they ran away like frightened dogs.

I kind of liked that...being able to scare the creeps away.

Several guys in plaid shirts walked toward me and began to speak in ENGLISH! I was SO excited!

Me: HEY! YOU NEED TO HELP ME! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED AND I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL!

Idiot #1: She can talk, Doug. I didn't know that, Me...that them wild Vikings could talk, eh?

Idiot #2: It's a trick Bruce. You know,eh, like she's trying to get you close to her cage so she can kill you and eat you.Those Vikings, them, they are crazy like wild beavers and hockey players...like ok?

Me: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MORONS? GET ME OUT OF HERE! I AM NOT A WILD VIKING!(grabbing the bars of the cage and shaking it)

Idiot #2: Throw her a can of Moosehead beer,there Bruce eh, and see if that will calm her down. We could take her home with us then, eh, and like maybe see what's under that fur bikini there, no?

Idiot #1: Eh..I don't know Doug. You know, I'm thinking me, and I'm just wondering there if it's a good idear.

Me: FOR FUCKS SAKE! JUST TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU! OPEN THE CAGE DOOR! JUST FUCKING OPEN IT!

The Idiots stood there and drank beer and watched me....finally , exasperated I said...

Me: Oh for Christ's sake, give me a beer.

Idiot #2: Ehhh...see Bruce? She's not so wild, her, is she now?

The Idiot named Doug came over to the cage and when he went to hand me a beer, I grabbed his arm and yanked his sorry ass against the cage.

Me: WHERE THE HELL ARE WE???

Idiot #2: EEEEEEE! Help me Bruce! This one here is going to kill me and eat my heart, ek?

Me: DON'T MOVE EITHER ONE OF YOU! IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER BRUCE I'LL RIP HIS BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!

Idiot #1: Now, now there, you calm down and me, I'll do what you want,EH?

Me: OPEN THE CAGE AND I'LL LET YOUR BUDDY GO.

The Idiot Bruce found a rock and slammed it against the lock on the cage. It broke and the door to the cage swung open.
I leaped out and ran like hell.
Those damn idiots ran behind me, following me.

Doug was yelling, "Hey there you! We brought our mamere's pontiac with us. We can, like, give you a ride somewhere, eh?"

I stopped dead in my tracks.
I mean, they had a car and they had beer.
I was intent on surviving and they seemed to be my best bet. Especially since I'd been kidnapped and was probably trapped in Quebec or some other god-awful place.

Me: Ok, you damn clowns. Give me a ride to the nearest police station. And make sure you put the cooler in the front passenger seat with me. I'm thirsty.

Bruce: Eh Doug, how much beer do you think it takes before a wild viking will take her clothes off, eh?

Me: Not nearly as much as it takes for a wild viking to rip YOUR fucking clothes off and cut off all the dangling parts!!!

Needless to say, the idiots left me alone to drink beer while we drove to the nearest police station.
I wondered what would happen once we got there and how on earth I would explain what had happened to me.
I mean, I didn't really know all the details of my kidnapping and I wasn't even sure if anyone would speak English besides these two morons.

We finally pulled into a Maine State Trooper station.

Me: What the hell? Where am I?

Doug: The Allegash, eh?

Dear God, they hadn't abducted me and dragged me to Canada, I was still in Maine! In the fucking Allegash!!!! No wonder everyone spoke French and looked like lumberjacks, they WERE fucking lumberjacks!

State Trooper: JESUS AGE CHRIST! WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

Me: I was kidnapped and put in the freak show of the travelling circus

State Trooper: Yeah, we've been having a lot of that lately. The Secret service was up here looking for someone a few days ago. Said something about the Vice-Presidents son had gone missing while vacationing in Kennebunkport.

Me: Yeah, well there were some others in cages. He could have been there.

The State Trooper made arrangements to drive me back to my house and I said my goodbyes to the idiots that had rescued me.


"You know, we have some big hockey sticks eh? You could stick around."

Once I arrived home, everyone in the colony threw me a welcome home party with fish and meatballs and rutabagas and we all drank vodka and passed out like good vikings do.

And that is the tale of the time I was part of the freak show at the circus in Allagash...

The End.