So I'm not dead...the pervy dolls watch me.

Real life has been getting in the way of my blogging.
I have been sick...the kids have been sick...Freya's situation has been stressing me out...the computer is being a fickle bitch....you name it...it's happened over the past couple of weeks.

I got the pervy dolls in the mail and I'd take a picture of them except I have no USB connection and I'm getting it fixed this week...(FINALLY!)
I'm very please with the pervy dolls except the chick is flat chested. No tits. And no holes!!!
The dude has a big ole pecker and he's going to be lots of fun but I had envisioned holes and tits.
All that aside, I love the dolls and they're very nice. The person who made them did a great job.
I'm going to play with them for awhile and then have my own contest to pass them on. It's part of what makes it fun...you keep passing them on from blogger to blogger.

They sit on my night stand and watch me sleep, so make sure I don't kick the bucket or anything. They love me. I can tell.

I am a grandmother now.
Freya had her baby and he is fine. So far, other than some breathing problems and being a little early, he is doing well and so is she.
There's still some unresolved issues but hey, I'll take the good news and keep my fingers crossed.

Yep...so I'm a grammie. It pleases me greatly to inform everyone that I don't have any white or gray hair ANYWHERE...if you get my drift. I had Mr.Man check, closely, over the weekend.
That's probably the reason for my happier mood....I needed to get laid.

I have infections in my head and they are making me dizzy, grouchy and non-social.
Honestly I didn't have any desire to write in here but I got an email from someone who reads my blog but never comments, asking me where the hell I was and why was I tormenting them by not writing anything recently?

REALLY?
It's considered torment if I DON'T write???
And here I thought the stuff I wrote about was the torment for the readers...silly me.

I'm done.
My head is throbbing like crazy.
I will return...when I can get my head around all this shit and think again.

I know how to talk the holy-moley way. My dog taught me.

I bought a webcam thinking I could hook it up and do wecamery things with it. I tried hooking it up and felt like an idiot because I couldn't. Then I discovered that my two front USB outlets are NOT working. Hell, I can't even download anything from my camera or change the music on my Ipod. In one sense I'm happy I'm not an idiot (even though I did get pissed and sent the webcam back, bitching that it didn't work and it didn't come with the set up disc,which I found later on sitting on top of my printer.) On the other hand, I need to find someone who can fix my computer.

I KNOW I SENT THE DAMN WEBCAM BACK!!! I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE WHEN MY COMPUTER IS FIXED! (don't be picking on my blondness...ok?)

Yeah, I could have used the one USB thingy in the back that my printer is hooked up to but that would be a pain in the ass to have to keep pulling everything out and then fixing the printer when I'm done doing whatever, cause we use our printer a lot. The kids need it for school and I use it to print out that dirty little poems I leave laying on the shelves at the grocery store.

You read that right....dirty little poems...

Example:

I'd like a bag of sugar
I'd like a bag of rice
But a bag slapping my chin
with your dick in my mouth would be nice.

Yeah...I made that up. All by myself too. I'm pretty smart like that...ok? Don't hate me because I'm talented...

You know how people leave scripture from the bible written on pieces of paper on the shelves of the grocery store?
Yeah, well...one day I had a vision of Jesus that forever changed my life. In that one moment I knew he was sick and tired of everyone always being so serious all the time and never acknowledging that he had a sense of humor.

And how, pray tell dear Goddess, did you know that?

My dog told me....


"Go forth Blonde Goddess and spread crude humor to those in need."

Ok...so actually it sounded more like...Pweeffft..bweeept..bweeeppt...fweeee...but I KNOW what he meant. And I am obedient if I am nothing else.

My conversation with Jesus reminds me, I got a new pair of panties.



Pretty bitching hot aren't they?

Yeah...I don't shop much.
I'm broke because my kids are dumb. Our electric bill is horrendous! They leave the lights on, the tv on,their stupid games on and they turn on the microwave just to practice their counting! Ok, so that's me, but I need the practice.

I need to know how to count...I need a job.

I applied a few places but it didn't work out for me.

I got a job at Burger King as a cashier but they fired me because I kept telling the customers, "Thank you...thank you very much" in my best Elvis impersonation and grinding my hips at them. They found that "inappropriate".

INAPPROPRIATE!!! I'm working for the FUCKING KING and it's infuckingappropriate?!?!?! I'll show them inappropriate!!!



They need to change their name to Burger Pussy....home of the Whopper!

Bastards!

It didn't take long for me to find a new job though.
I was hired as an exotic dancer.

Yeah...I actually swallowed my pride, or half a dozen sedatives, whichever way you want to look at it, and tried my hand at dancing.
The people were very nice and very helpful but I ended up getting fired anyway.
Yeah...
I couldn't believe it either.
I guess they had a problem with my toe touches.
They said I was supposed to bend over and touch my toes with my fingertips...NOT my nipples.

Whatever...I turned around in a circle and titty slapped half the customers and the other dancers and knocked them out cold! Then I grabbed the money from my g-string and ran out!
So it wasn't a total bust.
I made three dollars and twenty five cents (if you count the quarter I found tangled in my pubes).

You try breast-feeding four kids and see how perky your damn titties are!

Cockthuckers!!!

That reminds me...I wonder if they've looked over my application at WalMart yet?

I'd better stop for today and check that out.
Christmas will be here before you know it and unless I get a job, them damn ungrateful kids won't be getting shit for Christmas...well...actually that probably IS what they'll get. You can make really nice jewelry and key chains out of shellacked shit. They sell the moose kind and make butt loads of money selling that crap.

I'd better get my dog and see what Jesus thinks about that. If he likes the idea, maybe he'll help me out....If it comes out of Jesus' mouth I can start a "Holy Shit" line.


"Your Jesus ain't nothing but a hound dog Blonde Goddess."

"I resent that Elvis. I think the Holy Shit idea is a winner and you're just upset because she's not going back to the King to sell Whoppers!"

Hmmm...I wonder if the Jesus Police would buy Holy Shit?

It's something to think about....

A little ditty about my special day yesterday....

This heres the story of a gal named Tam
Who did exactly what she wanted cause she didn't give a damn
She'd always find a way of getting through the day
although lots of weird stuff would always come her way...

Weird stuff...stuff that just don't happen to other people...


"The last time I went shopping at WalMart."

She got up in the morning and went to brush her teeth
Pulled out the toothpaste and squeezed it from it's sheath
Brushed em real good, rinsing with water and peroxide
Except what she tasted made her stomach heave inside...

Keel over and puke that is...toss her cookies in the shitter


"Damn! Look at the size of my ass! I could stand to do a little puking."

Some dumbass in the house that can stand up and pee
Musta got lazy while watching TV
Took the nearest bottle and made sure he didn't miss
then filled it up with his nasty old piss

Urine...as in "you're in" a world of shit stupid


"Let's see you piss in a bottle now fucktard!"

Poor little Tam finished getting sick
Poured out the bottle pretty damn quick
Smelled and saw that it was pee pee and got sick once more
Vowing to kick someone's ass and remind them of what the toilet's for

The shitter...also known as the pisser you lazy son-of-a-bitch


"Now who's gonna get their lazy ass up and go to the bathroom, huh? HUH?!!"

Course when the men got home later in the day
Neither one of THEM had made the peroxide that way
They both got a good laugh and tears streamed from their eyes
But Tam didn't really care because she'd planned a nice surprise

Something they weren't expecting that is...heh heh heh


"I made you a special steak dinner..darling. And I bought some more floss because I know how you always need to floss and brush your teeth after you eat steak."

"You're such a good wife honey!"

Toothbrushes are great for brushing people's teeth
They're made to get in front and behind and underneath
So they can also be used to scrub other things too
Like a toilet and all it's brown and yellow goo



Happy brushing boys!...

Oh yeah...I will NEVER take a swig out of the peroxide bottle again!



Damn brown bottles...

And then there was the mighty Otin...

I'd like to tell you a little story about the mighty Otin. He was a great god in Scandinavian legend...not as great in the legends as Odin, his twin brother, but who cares about that? I'm going to tell you the lesser known story today...in honor of Otin's birthday.

Otin was born 3 minutes before Odin. The birth was a difficult one, even for a goddess, and vodka was used in liberal amounts to help with the pain. Unfortunately enough for the poor Otin, the midwife also partook of the vodka, accidentally putting Otin out with the laundry instead of in the bassinet with his twin Odin.

Otin was discovered by an old crazy woman who lived near the lake of Ingersold. Her name was Dagmar.
She fished and made pickled herring for a living. At one time she'd been a beautiful woman, but she was so beautiful that men feared she was a witch and has shunned her, leaving her alone and childless.
She had grown old alone, with only the forest and lake creatures to keep her company.
Finding Otin was the most wonderful thing that had happened to her. She thanked the Gods every day for her blessing.

Otin grew up learning to fish, side by side with his mother. Her gentle ways and quiet wisdom passed on from her to him, and he too was loved by all the forest and lake creatures.

Of course Otin still did possess traits of his biological parents...Borr and Bestla.

Borr was a strange man with a dry sense of humor. He had a thing for blonde chicks and that was the reason for his attraction to Bestla.

Bestla was the daughter of giants and she was one hell of an Amazon woman. Beautiful, blonde and big busted, she boasted of beauty and boldness unknown among other women.

Therefore Otin, although raised by Dagmar, possessed the same dry sense of humor his father had. He also loved blonde women and they loved him as well. For he had received the gift of giantism from his mother's side of the family, but only in the genital region, if you get my meaning...*wink*

One day Otin stumbled upon Asgard, home of his parents and brothers.
Odin and Otin met face to face, looking upon eachother questioningly...

"You look just like me," said Odin.

"You look just like me," said Otin.

"Who are you?" cried Bestla. "What manner of sorcery is this?"

Borr called for the midwife who'd delivered the twins and asked her to explain.
She told them that Otin had been raised by the witch Dagmar and it was trick of witchcraft to try to fool them into thinking that Otin had some claim to the status of God and a rightful place in Asgard.

They banished Otin from Asgard and told him to never return.
Little did they know that Odin's wife Jörð, had seen Otin and had become curious about him.
She followed him through the forest and watched him fish at the lake.
When he was done, he took his clothes off to bathe and she saw his mighty penis.
"Oh my!" Jörð whispered.
She was awestruck. Odin didn't have a cock like that!

Otin heard her cry and turned to see her watching him from afar.

"Don't be afraid," he said. "Come here and I will show you it's power."

Jörð came to Otin and they made love for hours...

Jörð had never been so satisfied sexually before and begged Otin to allow her to stay with him.

"I'm sorry but you can't" said Otin. "You must return to Asgard and stay with Odin and forget about me."

"I will do ath you athk( Jörð had a little lisp problem)but pleath don't forget me."

Then she left him and returned to Odin.

For nine months she ached for Otin...remembering their lovemaking. When their son was born, Odin believed it was his and proudly announced to everyone he had a son.

When the midwife asked Jörð what the child's name was, she misheard her and thought she'd asked her how she felt.

"It'th thore", she said.

And THAT is how the mighty Thor, son of Otin, came to be.

( How else would you explain the size of his hammer? It sure as hell didn't come from Odin...)


"Make me thore Otin..."


Hope you had a great birthday Otin!

I was indeed, too freaking smart to be a freak...

DISCLAIMER: I am writing this while intoxicated. Read at own risk!

I'd like to tell you about my stint in the circus, many many moons ago.
It all began when I was a wee little flicka living in the Swedish colony.I had just learned how to tie my shoes and eat with utensils.

I was 19 years old.

I was walking down the road one day, on my way to Olaf Johnson's store to buy pickled herring and cheese for dinner when I noticed a rickety old caravan coming slowly up the road, you know, the kind like the gypsy's used to use.



As the caravan got closer to me, the horses that pulled it slowed down and someone pushed a keg of beer, already tapped,out the back door.
As the van moved slowly ahead of me, the keg began to leave a thin trail of beer on the road.
As any tightwad Swede will tell you, wasting is a sin, so I dropped onto my hands and knees and began to lap up the line of beer off the road...
Except for a few rocks and a couple of bugs, it was excellent and made the long trip to Olaf's store much more pleasant.
Being a naive little girl of 19 years, I didn't realize it was a trap and before I knew what had happened, a thick blanket was thrown over me and I was wrapped in it and thrown into the back of the caravan!
I lost consciousness,(ok..maybe I'd had too much beer and I passed out) but when I awoke, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a circus.

I was dressed in a fur outfit with my long blonde hair flowing loose, with a viking helmet on top of my head.



I was locked in a cage, with nothing but hay and some old bones on the floor.
As I looked around, I noticed there were several men standing outside the cage, staring at me...
"What the fuck are you looking at!" I yelled at them.

They all stepped back from the cage and started mumbling something among themselves...the only thing I could really hear was something like "Le géant blond se réveille" and "Elle est une bête féroce"...or some stupid crap like that.

Where the hell was I?
And why were all these short Frenchmen afraid of me?

I looked around and noticed there were other cages standing in a circle around me. In one, there was a two headed goat. In another, there was a midget with three legs...no wait...Uh...the leg in the middle wasn't a leg...it was his "pénis capricieusement grand"? NOW that WAS scary!

There was a monkey boy...



And a horse girl too...



I realized that I had been kidnapped and was part of the freak show.

Great...

I watched the people come up to the cage and look at me with fear. A few of the dirty bastards looked lustily at me, rubbing their crotches, but I snarled at them and they ran away like frightened dogs.

I kind of liked that...being able to scare the creeps away.

Several guys in plaid shirts walked toward me and began to speak in ENGLISH! I was SO excited!

Me: HEY! YOU NEED TO HELP ME! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED AND I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL!

Idiot #1: She can talk, Doug. I didn't know that, Me...that them wild Vikings could talk, eh?

Idiot #2: It's a trick Bruce. You know,eh, like she's trying to get you close to her cage so she can kill you and eat you.Those Vikings, them, they are crazy like wild beavers and hockey players...like ok?

Me: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MORONS? GET ME OUT OF HERE! I AM NOT A WILD VIKING!(grabbing the bars of the cage and shaking it)

Idiot #2: Throw her a can of Moosehead beer,there Bruce eh, and see if that will calm her down. We could take her home with us then, eh, and like maybe see what's under that fur bikini there, no?

Idiot #1: Eh..I don't know Doug. You know, I'm thinking me, and I'm just wondering there if it's a good idear.

Me: FOR FUCKS SAKE! JUST TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU! OPEN THE CAGE DOOR! JUST FUCKING OPEN IT!

The Idiots stood there and drank beer and watched me....finally , exasperated I said...

Me: Oh for Christ's sake, give me a beer.

Idiot #2: Ehhh...see Bruce? She's not so wild, her, is she now?

The Idiot named Doug came over to the cage and when he went to hand me a beer, I grabbed his arm and yanked his sorry ass against the cage.

Me: WHERE THE HELL ARE WE???

Idiot #2: EEEEEEE! Help me Bruce! This one here is going to kill me and eat my heart, ek?

Me: DON'T MOVE EITHER ONE OF YOU! IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER BRUCE I'LL RIP HIS BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!

Idiot #1: Now, now there, you calm down and me, I'll do what you want,EH?

Me: OPEN THE CAGE AND I'LL LET YOUR BUDDY GO.

The Idiot Bruce found a rock and slammed it against the lock on the cage. It broke and the door to the cage swung open.
I leaped out and ran like hell.
Those damn idiots ran behind me, following me.

Doug was yelling, "Hey there you! We brought our mamere's pontiac with us. We can, like, give you a ride somewhere, eh?"

I stopped dead in my tracks.
I mean, they had a car and they had beer.
I was intent on surviving and they seemed to be my best bet. Especially since I'd been kidnapped and was probably trapped in Quebec or some other god-awful place.

Me: Ok, you damn clowns. Give me a ride to the nearest police station. And make sure you put the cooler in the front passenger seat with me. I'm thirsty.

Bruce: Eh Doug, how much beer do you think it takes before a wild viking will take her clothes off, eh?

Me: Not nearly as much as it takes for a wild viking to rip YOUR fucking clothes off and cut off all the dangling parts!!!

Needless to say, the idiots left me alone to drink beer while we drove to the nearest police station.
I wondered what would happen once we got there and how on earth I would explain what had happened to me.
I mean, I didn't really know all the details of my kidnapping and I wasn't even sure if anyone would speak English besides these two morons.

We finally pulled into a Maine State Trooper station.

Me: What the hell? Where am I?

Doug: The Allegash, eh?

Dear God, they hadn't abducted me and dragged me to Canada, I was still in Maine! In the fucking Allegash!!!! No wonder everyone spoke French and looked like lumberjacks, they WERE fucking lumberjacks!

State Trooper: JESUS AGE CHRIST! WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

Me: I was kidnapped and put in the freak show of the travelling circus

State Trooper: Yeah, we've been having a lot of that lately. The Secret service was up here looking for someone a few days ago. Said something about the Vice-Presidents son had gone missing while vacationing in Kennebunkport.

Me: Yeah, well there were some others in cages. He could have been there.

The State Trooper made arrangements to drive me back to my house and I said my goodbyes to the idiots that had rescued me.


"You know, we have some big hockey sticks eh? You could stick around."

Once I arrived home, everyone in the colony threw me a welcome home party with fish and meatballs and rutabagas and we all drank vodka and passed out like good vikings do.

And that is the tale of the time I was part of the freak show at the circus in Allagash...

The End.

Can I be frank? (who the hell is Frank?)

I'm going to think out loud this morning so hang on....

Am I depressed?
I'm on fucking Zoloft but I still have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. My hormones have blown my boob propper to gynourmous proportions and I look like this...


"Maybe this dude is Frank?"


I have NO SEX DRIVE...Did you just read that? NO SEX DRIVE!!!! Hell I haven't even put the key in the ignition, let alone drive the damn thing...

I think that was one of the first clues that I am not right in the head.

OK...so that's not even debatable...what-the-hell-ever.
I just need to feel, I don't know...more social maybe...I think...
Or something.

It's just that I don't really want to share myself with anyone lately...on a personal level...you know...I've been keeping my thoughts, my self and even my sexuality hidden lately.
And I'm not sure why.

That was the old me from a long time ago, when I was locked up in my head because my abusers couldn't hurt me there.
And you know, I've been hurt lately by two trusted friends. The past six months has been pretty hard on me. So maybe I'm hiding a little bit. Old habits die hard.

At least I'm aware there's a pattern and a problem.
I'm trying anyway, ok?

It's not like I'm laying around drunk or sleeping the days away.
What do I do with my spare time? (especially since I have lost my sex drive?)

I got me some NetFlix motherfuckers!
Do you have ANY idea how sweet that is?
I have discovered shows I thought I'd never want to watch.
Jeff talked about watching Lost before, so I figured it couldn't be that bad. So I started watching it on NetFlix from season 1 and I'm hooked.
I can also get all the foreign films I have wanted to see but could never find around here...
Yeppers...I love NetFlix!
I am going to have to give NetFlix eight boobie flops on the jumping for joy scale.


"The last time I jumped for joy I ended up in the ICU unit for a month"

So yeah...NetFlix is the shit.

As for the whole getting fat thing....I eat but not nearly enough to justify the arrival of the mammoth boob propper. Besides, no matter what I eat, it doesn't stay with me for long...you know...that whole "what goes in must come out" deal?

I have a secret weapon against too much bread and potatoes.
I like to call it "Instant Quick Shit" in a box...


"One bowl of this stuff and you'll be beating your chest, roaring like a gorilla while you're colon is cleaned out!"

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I eat this cereal, I'm on my way to the bathroom before I've already finished a bowl of it.
I made the mistake once of eating it before making sure the shitter was open for business.
I sprinted to the bathroom, pulling my pants down on the way, preparing to leap and plant my ass on the seat, when I realized that Mr.Man was ALREADY ON there!

I literally squeezed my ass cheeks together so tight that I couldn't have slid a strand of hair between them.
No shit...literally.
IN FACT, once Mr.Man had sat there longer than he needed to, (solely to torment me) I had to do breathing exercises to release the ass clench.

Hmmm...I'd forgotten about Mr.Man doing that.


" I feel pretty!"

PAYBACK'S A BITCH MR.MAN!

That picture was taken at my grandmother's house this summer. We enjoy our drinking time, what can I say?

Hmmm...well anyway.
Like I said, I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm sure I'll snap out of it in time.
I'm trying to keep my sense of humor after all.

Today I think I actually WILL be Frank....



FRANK ZAPPA!

I just bought a new box of "Instant Quick Shit!I'm going to see how much of the boob propper I can get rid of.

Wish me luck and be sure to drop off some Charmin. That cheap crap Mr.Man buys sets my asshole on fire....

Now if I could only figure out how to hook up the NetFlix in the bathroom....

I need a warning label?

I took a mini-vacation.
I spent the time laying around, eating myself into stretch pants fashionista and watching stupid television shows.
While it may not seem like the kind of thing a glamorous goddess like me would do with her valuable time, I did it and I fucking loved every minute of it!
It was like masturbating (without the sticky fingers and carpal tunnel)!
It didn't really accomplish anything but sure as hell made me feel better!

So I feel better.

I tried going to sleep tonight but the hubby was rolling around in bed and leaking air like a blow up mattress in a frat house. If the air wasn't coming out of his nose and mouth, making this obnoxious GGGAHHHNNNNZZZXXX noise, it was coming out of his ass, making me gag like I'd just had a truck of roadkill dumped on me.

So I did what any smart person would do...envisioned prison sex with some hot mama, grabbed a sword off the wall...lifted it, steadying myself to cut his head off with one blow...thought about the prison sex with the not so hot mama with no teeth and no desire to reciprocate the love lapping, placed the sword back on the wall and came downstairs to blog.

Crazy how insanely honest I am in this thing, isn't it?
Oh well...I just say out loud the stuff a lot of people think but would NEVER actually say.
Maybe I could use some brakes on the thought process sometimes, huh?

Sometimes speaking my mind gets me in trouble.
I was SURE that I pissed off the one normal neighbor that I like and get along with today.

I went outside to move my car so Little Beatle could mow the lawn...(we like to mow the lawn on Sundays as the Jesus Police drive off to church...you know..to give them something for prayer requests)...ANYWAY...I parked my car on the street and my neighbor's girlfriend came out and opened the trunk of her car to get something.

Me: Hi! Great day huh?

Her: Yeah. I was just telling ***** that we should go hiking today.

Me: That sounds like a good way to spend the day. (sniffing) Hmmm...do you smell fish?

Her: (laughs)..oh yeah. That's me. I really need to go in and wash up.

Me: You know, I don't think a shower will take care of that problem. They make stuff you can buy over the counter that'll clear that stuff right up...(I wink..mainly because I'm a RETARD!)

Her: Ummm...(giving me a tight lipped look)...I was just cleaning fish. We caught some Friday and I thought I'd fry it up this morning.

Me: (laughs nervously)OH! I love fish. Whelp...speaking of fish, I have to feed my cats. Gotta GO! See ya!

Now please tell me how fucking stupid was that?
Telling my neighbor's girlfriend that her Hoo-Haw smells like a fish market has got to be on the TOP of the list of stupid things I've said in my life.

Thankfully, I saw my neighbor outside later on in the day.
I walked across the street and told her what happened and said I needed to apologize to her and her girlfriend.
She laughed at me and told me it wasn't necessary.

"I'd already warned her about you, so she didn't take it personally." she said.

Warned her?
About me?
I almost opened my mouth to ask her what she had said to her, but then decided that maybe I REALLY didn't want to know....

Maybe I just need a warning sign to hang around my neck
Er....on second thought, I might accidentally hang myself.
I think I should just tattoo it on the cheek of my ass like a warning label instead...



I've always wanted to greet people with a good moon shot. Maybe this is the way to make it happen?

Meh...I think I'm sleepy now. I'll be back tomorrow. Still waiting on the Pervy Dolls. No playing with them yet...but I can't WAIT!